||"I read this in the
paper this morning: New York City has a priest shortage. So you see, there is
some good news in the world. ... To give you an idea how bad it is, earlier
today in Brooklyn an alter boy had to grope himself."
probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to Rome. You
know how they got them all to come back? They told them that there was going to
be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir."
will be staying at the Domus Sanctae Marthae, the new hotel at the Vatican,
where turn down service means the bell boy isn't interested."
Daily Show host
Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal
with the sexual scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code of
ethics, it's called the Bible."
"Cardinal Law had
difficulty with his memory under oath today. He could only remember three
commandments. Under oath, Cardinal Law said 'I do not recall' 43 times. I'm
telling you, this guy is presidential material."
Transportation Committee is now considering a bill that would allow pilots to
carry guns for protection. I've got a better idea, why not give guns to alter
boys, give them a fighting chance."
"In Boston, it
looks like Cardinal Bernard Law isn't going to be punished. It turns out he's
getting transferred to Rome, which is kind of like a promotion. He said today
he wanted to thank all the little people."
reaffirming celibacy it's kind of like Clinton reaffirming
"The big Vatican
summit wrapped up, closing ceremonies were Harry Connick Jr. The Vatican is
taking a tough stand now, three strikes and you're transferred."
"This is the last
Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Next year, boys will be involved too. I guess
the church lobbied pretty hard on that one."
"After all these
scandals in the church, many Roman Catholics are calling for an end to
celibacy. And end to celibacy, how about starting celibacy? Let's at least try
it to see if it works."
"Pope has called
all the U.S. cardinals back to the Vatican. He's going to have Italy's top
soccer coach talk to them. I believe the topic is how to do your job without
using your hands."
Catholic Church unveiled its new policy. Don't ask, don't confess."
Court ruled today that virtual child pornography is legal. Finally, some good
news for the church."
"Kids, if you see
an ad that says Cardinals looking for a bat boy, watch out, that has nothing to
do with the baseball team."