Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. About 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. About 45 minutes.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. £4.99 a minute.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q. Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A. Because if they pulled them around by the feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q. What is it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made the chain too long.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they all just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year seven. who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, coz' she's 18.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Straight through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. All the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. All the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "filthy but wearable".
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a dog and a husband?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee in each hand, and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anyone.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.