Waiting to stop sucking on the nipple of KBR.but the desire (opps ! copy desire ) and the need to have health insurance propels me on.having a few worries about my health.pain in my left testicle, mild, it comes and goes.and the ongoing skin cancer that I had already cut off a few years ago in Manila PH. Having a few "growths" - small patches around on the body so I am have a check up at the same hospital where I had the hernia last year in Bangkok..also a full physical. KRISHNA KRISHNA, I am very worried about the pain in my testicle, just need to say this to you....totally freaked out to be quite honest. Isn't strange - I read it's not healthy to "not come" ya that's what I read on the web-hospital-doctors information about testicle problems pain !!
Well so much for my TANTRIC PRACTICES HUH ? OK OK ! I'LL COME ALREADY IF I MUST !!
Wow ! Reconnecting with Heera the lovely Chinese lady I met in Pune in Bangkok then we go to Koh Samui ..that's a humbling experience for me..what ? A lovely woman says she loves Malibu ?? She's in Misato now doing a breathing group then we meet in Bangkok on the 18th of July..
The desert here is strong.mostly alone working at night.very strong reflections.flashes.a few encounters with my Boss's (I have many). Waiting for the sign to leave perhaps before I get "terminated " as "downsizing" is happening as you most likely read about.at times feeling a bit sad that I am in Iraq and have very little contact with the local people.? Not sure what to do or where to go after this job.of course worried about $$...as getting older and ? well the lord has given this life in such abundance what more to ask for ? huh ?? how vain of me to ask for anything any longer.I want to give back at times, confront my fears about death and pain.I think to work for the UN or in a hospital or something with people to give back.??
Bhavan.English Anatosh is also at times close to death. I know Anatosh for a long time and we once lived together in Hollywood.I love him.I want to go see him before he leaves us.I want to confront death and be near to what I fear.you, Rafia and Renu (Terry) and perhaps a few others I feel unconditional love and not judgments.like me working here in Iraq, like me sleeping with "Bar girls" in Thailand and Dubai.using Opium.feeling profound long lasting rejection concerning the lost gig at Doc without Boarders..
I feel, well judged at times. Is this perhaps is too strong a word?.Perhaps I have let some of my friends down.by coming off as too spiritual ? Relapse to the Dark Side? Being a victim? Or what ? I don't understand why I can't be honest with Progosh and Krishna Prem and not lose their friendship.after Prososh continued to lay into me and be sarcastic I asked him to perhaps find another way to relate to me.the last straw seemed to have been me getting ripped off by the girl in Phuket Thailand.KP I not sure about if I actually lost his friendship or not.At times I feel the most free when I realize I am totally alone, and no one to judge me.fresh and alone.
I expect too much from friends..and myself.life is so short, so very short..after all Malibu, you, Rafia, all of us have been through this life.I expect such unlimited honestly for everyone.after all the groups and intense life.yet I don't find it. From just a just a few people I feel unlimited acceptance .I wrote to Progosh and KP about starting a HOSPICES for friends who are dying..not a word or a reply..nothing.?? Seems like a good idea no ? Hello, anyone out their ?
You know what carries me own with all the suffering (that I suppressed with drugs.???) Do you know what carries me on dear brother..that taste that smell that light that sound I experienced twice in the ashram Pune when I went into his library very late at night with lovely Nisarg.. All I can call it is pure consciences, pure .. And upon reading what Bhagwan wrote on a sleeve of a book "THE JOURNEY IS THE PILGRIMAGE" .total blow mind .nothing noting gatay gatay para som gatay...
Narayana Rick Weil