Do you suffer from fake enlightenment? A delusional complex some call 'being touched by divine light', 'knowing God' or 'being in harmony with my crown chakra?' If you do, you aren't alone. Most pretty, young, clueless actor types in large Metropolitan cities will contract this disease. And most end up getting poked by their chauvinistic yoga teachers who, interestingly, seem to suffer from a similar disease. The most dangerous effects of long term fake enlightenment are (in no particular order) an eventual boring commune life, lifelong lameness, Veganism, children, obsessive church-going and/or therapy.

Here are 10 warning signs YOU should look out for:

1.You are mentally ill: A chemical imbalance in the brain does not constitute enlightenment. (Although you hear voices and think about strange things.)

2. You do lots and lots of Eastern based exercise: Yoga, Tai Chi, etc. (If God had meant for your nose to get that close to your ass...well...you just make me sick.)

3. You are easily hypnotized: You are getting sleepy.

4. When a person speaks to you, your eyes glaze over and only become animated again when it is your turn to talk.

5. You "get it": Sure, sure. There's no other self-help book reading, vegetarian, Tiva wearing, long hair who's been doing Kundalini for a month that 'gets it' quite like you, is there?

6. You have lost all sense of humor.

7. People giggle behind your back and have given you the nickname 'Squeaky Fromm.'

8. You are physically attractive: Pretty people can never truly be enlightened. Jesus sez the meek shall inherit the earth - and by meek He meant 'the ugly' or 'the homely' - a proven fact, given that historians now know Jesus was hardly better looking than any old poodle's flaky gray ass.

9. The books you read fall into any/all of these categories: health, self-help and theology. OR You only read pamphlets.

10. Its o.k. to do hurtful things to others because, "everything I do and everything that happens to me is my Divine destiny." (See Justified Selfishness below and Mental Illness above)